So, this is like an update, again. I’m still avoiding making an honest contact with anyone I knew before. But, overall, the suicide idealisation continues but not as frequently as before. Antidepressants didn’t make a lot for me. They induced me mania. I never had it before, so that kinda confirms the diagnosis of bipolarity. My boyfriend has been supportive but he sometimes forgives why I suddenly change my humour.
I feel more extroverted, like I was before. More open. I don’t explode when things go wrong. So that is good I think. It feels nice to not live in full chaos or to not look for confrontation.
“It’s taboo to admit that you’re lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven’t left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you’re not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are. A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn’t transition well to adult life, that you’d fall right through the cracks. And look at you now, it’s happening.”
I went to a psychiatrist 2 weeks ago. He diagnosed me with a bipolar disorder after being the week prior in full suicide idealisation for the whole week. A lot of stuff in my life just exploited during that time. I am really insolated right now, I don’t talk to anyone but my boyfriend but I don’t care to anyone else so it is what it is i guess. Like, this diagnosis is two years later and i can’t really make any amends with the people that I cared back then. It just feels numb. I’m on meds but I have the feeling that is making my depression so much worse (I guess I’m bipolar II). And idk, this is like a little update because i don’t know how to communicate my inner feelings to anyone. But nothing has changed a lot, I’m studying for my courses, thinking about my magister theme (maybe it’s hox genes :)), and thinking about spending time with bf because we are both kinda sick right now. But I love him so much, he makes me stay alive and I adore him so much. I hope he knows that.
